


St. James Infirmary

by livingmybestfakelife



Series: Love and Lightning [1]
Category: Peaky Blinders (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-27
Updated: 2019-10-27
Packaged: 2021-01-04 13:49:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21198677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/livingmybestfakelife/pseuds/livingmybestfakelife
Summary: As much as Tommy wanted to fulfill his promise to you to move on, this might be one that he just can’t keep.





	St. James Infirmary

_ **“Let it go, let it go, God bless her ** _

_ **Wherever she may be”** _

The only thing stopping him from getting up was his wife cuddled on top of him, he envied Grace’s ability to sleep throughout the night, he tried his hardest to gently move her, making her stir a little before she stilled again, letting out a silent sigh he sits up and goes to slip on a shirt and his pajama pants, the cold floor on the bottom of his feet didn’t bother him like it usually does, for some reason he was burning up despite the fact that it was snowing outside, maybe he was coming down with a cold and had a fever, which would be the last thing he needed right now, he was too busy to have to lay in bed for a week.

Once he arrived to his office he streched and and plopped down in his chair, doing nothing for a moment but stare at the piles of paper on his desk, why did he think it was a good idea to begin doing loads of paperwork while in a drowsy state was beyond him, it was just something in him itching to do it “Well, let’s get this over with, maybe I’ll get bored to sleep” he says to himself while lifting up a pen, once again doing nothing, he didn’t understand what was going on with him lately, this happened for the fifth night in a row, waking up around the same time and not being able to go back to sleep, and if he did he’d just wake back up a couple of hours later, the insomnia begin to show on his face, bags forming under his eyes and his wrinkles becoming for prominent, everyone was worried but him, using the stress of business as an excuse but they knew better.

After all it was nearing the anniversary of your unfortunate death, the family agreed that this was the cause of his unhealthy sleeping schedule but knew well enough not to bring it up, it was too important for him to forget, the reason for his coldness, besides the war, your death drained Tommy of any peace, any faith and hope for the future, he no longer planned ahead or was optimistic, “whatever happens will just have to happen” he once told Polly the evening after your funeral, her heart broke for her nephew, never seeing him give up this easily.

He tossed his pen on a stack of paper before leaning back in his chair “the fuck is the matter with you?” He mumbles, he knew the answer to that question but choose to not acknowledge it, the denial comforting him just a little, the less he remembered the better, he had to fight it and stuff it away, it’s what you wanted, you never liked how he always fussed over you, obsessed over your entire being, so much so that he was willing to change and go fully legit once he arrived home from France “I’ll be an honest man for you, I want you to be proud of me”.

But being an honest businessman wasn’t him, maybe as a lover but not professionally, no matter how much he loved and adored you, there will always be a part of him that would miss his old ways, you never pushed him to be any he wasn’t, his business was never something you were that into, of course you showed up to family meetings and gave your input when needed, but other than that you kept your opinions to yourself, more comfortable staying behind the scenes.

He still thought of you as an important factor to the company, helping out whenever things got backed up, assisting either him or Polly with whatever they needed, he once caught a glimpse of you and Pol having tea in her office during a break, you had stood up to refill your cup, and when the sunlight hit you he had noticed a pudge in your stomach, it made his heart want to hop out of his chest, how did he not notice it before? You, his dream girl was pregnant with his baby, HIS child, who else? Well he could think of someone else but you hadn’t seen him in over a month, he made sure of it, that part of your life with the prim and proper pretty boy and heir to his fathers newspaper company was over.

It wasn’t until later that night when he finally said something to you about it, wrapping his arms around your waist as you were taking out your earrings, he looked you up and down in the mirror and then pecked your neck “I finally have you for good now” you gave him a dumbfounded look and it only made him chuckle, moving his hands up and down your slightly swollen belly “We’re having a baby YN, a little you and me” your hands begin to shake and he reached over to hold them “Everything is gonna be alright love, it’s all gonna be alright”

He was interrupted from his thoughts when the door opened and a soft footsteps made it’s way closer to him, looking up to see his daughter rubbing her eyes and yawning “Hi daddy” he grinned while opening his arms wide, waiting for her to hop into his arms “Hello ladybug, what are you doing up aye?” “I had a dream about mummy, she was singing to me, I wanted to come tell you” he held his baby tight in his arms, not wanting to let her go even more after hearing her confession, she was one of very few things left in the world to remember you by, he obviously had to get rid of your clothes because of Grace, donating them to the local shelters, your jewelry going to Ada, all he had left were two photos and his daughter Tulip Esmeralda, she was the spitting image of you, eyes, hair texture, even your cute high pitched laugh, now that you were gone she was his main priority in this life, sure he cared for Grace, she was beautiful and sweet enough, but she wasn’t you, and especially not his little Tulip, often putting her first which she understood completely, still doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt.

“Mummy sounded beautiful didn’t she, love” “Yes dad, just as pretty as she is” he held in his tears and gave her a big kiss on the cheek, she then got down from his lap and kissed his cheek before going to leave “Going so soon, you just got here?” “I just wanted to tell you that daddy, don’t you wanna hear about what mummy is doing in heaven?” He nods and smiles “Course I do” “She loves me and you daddy, the angels are taking care of her…night night!” She runs off back to bed, leaving the door wide open “Night night” he shouts back.

He sits there for a while then hears another pair of footsteps, heavier ones than ones of a seven year old “Thomas?” Grace is standing at the door, wrapping her robe tightly around her “What are you doing up?” She enters the office but he holds a hand up to stop her “It’s alright, I’m coming back to bed, feeling a little drowsy now” she gives him a little smile and he gets up to walk her out “Was that Tulip I heard earlier?” “Yep, she was coming to tell me that she saw YN again” she nods and clears her throat, as hard as she tried to hide her discomfort, it was all over her face, just when she thought that he finally had you out of his system, here came his daughter to place you back in, it wasn’t enough that she had to look at your portrait everyday on the wall next to the staircase, you, him and baby Tulip, he couldn’t bring himself to take that down as well.

“What’s the matter?” He asks, she forces a smile and shakes her head “Nothing, it’s wonderful that she remembers her mum” “Seriously what’s wrong?” Grace sighs and closes the door, this was it, she couldn’t hold back anymore, she knew she would sound like unsympathetic but it was how she felt “Why did you love her more than she loved you?” “Excuse me?” She kept her composure, not wanting to back down so soon “You wanna know who I ran into today in town? David Mills, you know, her ex fiancé…Well we talked, had a deep conversation, mostly about YN, how you framed him for treason and gotten him banned from the United Kingdom for three years, he knew you had something to do with it but could never prove it, and when he returned from America he discovered that YN had moved on, you both had gotten married and Tulip was already like what, two years old? You wanna know what else he told me Thomas? He told me that YN had wrote to him during those years he had been away, she was very much still in love with him, but felt trapped because she had your baby and knew you’d never let her go” “That’s not true” “It very much is, it’s been that way ever since you both were teenagers, she could never break from your chain Thomas you were always-“ she yelped when he slammed his fist up against the wall beside her head, he gripped her jaw and made her look at him “Every time we fuck all I see is her, I see YN, I have to hold myself back from calling her name to not hurt your feelings, don’t think for ONE second that just because I married you that my love for her lessened, it will be her till the day I die, all that I own and posses in this world will go to my daughter when I pass on, all that I’ve earned and built was for our family together, and now that she’s gone the next thing close to her is our child, every single cent Grace, widows don’t always get everything…she’s a nice kid so she might be willing to share with you, consider yourself lucky of her generosity” he lets her go and opens the door and storming out, leaving her there speechless, she lets out a little weep and covers her mouth to muffle her cries.

All this time she’d been jealous of you because of the adoration he held for you, the attention he gave to you, from the outside looking in you were the luckiest girl to have Thomas Shelby wrapped around your finger, her jealousy now turned to pitty, you had no choice but to be his favorite person, you were stuck and trapped up until your last day on Earth, your last day of life would be your only chance of freedom, love really does blind you, it made her miserable and him insane, and poor little Tulip is now the only thing keeping him semi stable, Grace thanks her lucky stars for that kid right now.

…

“Daddy?” “Shh go to sleep my love” “Okay” “Oh, and Tulip” “Yes daddy?” “If mummy visits again tell her that I love her okay” “Okay dad” He smoothes her hair away from her face and watches her drift off to sleep, he looks over to see one of the two pictures of you on her nightstand, “I love you Mrs. Shelby” he whispers, and for a second he could swear he can see you smile wider in the photo.


End file.
